Finding Evan Read online

  I consider whether Faye’s saying this to get me to leave. “Will you?”

  The front door slams open and someone walks into the house. Faye freezes, panic in her rigid features, and I turn. A guy around my height, but stockier and older meets my eyes, pulling himself tall. His red-faced expression warns he’s going to hit me. A black patterned tattoo snakes from under his shirt and across his neck. He’s a fighter, judging by the set of his nose; it’s been broken a few times. I’m not a fighter. Shit.

  “Who the fuck are you?” he asks.

  “I told you he’d bash you!” comes Brandon’s voice from behind his mum.

  “This is Evan,” says Faye.

  “Who the fuck is Evan?” He runs his hard gaze up and down me, and I ready myself for his punch. “Is this who you’re screwing? Is he here ‘cause you weren’t expecting me? You stupid bitch!”

  I never, ever thought I’d say the words, but I do. “I’m her son.”

  “Yeah, right. Nice try. Get the fuck out before I hurt you.”

  “It’s true! And Lucy – she’s not my friend; she’s my daughter!” pleads Faye.

  The guy grabs my coat, fingers biting into my shoulder, and pushes me towards the door. Suddenly, I’m terrified, but not for me – for the woman and child in the house he’s throwing me out of.

  As soon as the door slams behind me, shouting in the house begins. Immobile, I look at the door, considering whether to knock. Try and go back in. What’s the right thing to do?

  My attempt to pull Lucy and myself from this woman’s life has just dragged me further in than I’m comfortable with.

  I wander along the path, looking back as I do. A middle-aged woman watches me from the next garden. She’s pegging out laundry, and a child about Brandon’s age rides a tricycle up and down her pavement.

  “They at it again?” she asks, shaking her bleached-blonde hair from her face.

  I’m still stunned from my encounter and don’t reply.

  She sweeps an appreciative gaze over me. “You’re a bit younger than her usual guys.”

  Again. The thought turns my stomach. “I’m not her…I’m a friend.”

  The woman laughs, as the shouting continues in the house behind. “None of my business, love.”

  “Is she okay? Should we call the police or something?”

  “Nah. They’ll stop in a minute. He looks like a tough guy, but he wouldn’t lay a finger on her. Or the kids.” She bends to pick a shirt from the laundry basket, and then fold it over the washing line.

  I hope she’s right.

  “But he won’t stand for anyone else’s hands on her; so if I were you, I’d get off before he comes back out here.”

  “I’m not her boyfriend.”

  The woman giggles. “Boyfriend. That’s cute. You mean you’re not screwing her? You don’t look her type, I guess. Not enough tattoos. Can string a sentence together.”

  The longer I stand here, the more awkward this gets. Lucy tells me she’s found our mother. I say I want nothing to do with her. And here I am, on my second visit, chatting to her neighbors. I pull my car keys out. “So, she’ll be okay?”

  “Yeah. Me and Faye – we look out for each other.” She looks at the keys in my hand. “You coming back to see her soon?”

  “No. I won’t be seeing Faye again.”

  This time, I mean it. This ends now.

  Chapter Eighteen

  NESS

  Evan arrives back from Lancaster early; I’m surprised when he appears on the doorstep. My spirits sink. Is he checking up on me and Ollie again?

  “Can we go for a walk?” He doesn’t step into the house, and fixes me with an intense look.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I need to talk to you, Ness.”

  I consider the winter weather and why he wants to go somewhere else. “You don’t want to come in?”

  He pushes his hair from his face and stares at me. “I don’t think I can sit down.”

  Stepping outside, I reach out and touch his cold face. He’s unshaven – a sure sign something’s going on. Here we go again. “Is it Lucy? What’s happened?”

  “Not Lucy. Are you coming?”

  Grabbing my coat from inside, I catch up to Evan and we walk along the street. If this behavior isn’t because of Lucy, that leaves one other person. But he didn’t mention he was going to see his mother this weekend. I know he’s seen her once, and the distraction remains. Maybe he needed to see her again.

  We head towards the park, walking along the tree-lined path. The starkness of the branches matches the tensions between us. My stomach flips. Maybe this is about me. Us. Am I not trying harder to let him in? Evan hasn’t said a word in the ten minutes since we left the house. Fed up with attempting to match his strides, I stop.

  “Evan. What’s going on? You’re worrying me.”

  “Maybe we should go to the pub.” Absentmindedly, he carries on walking.

  “Or maybe you can talk to me.”

  He pauses and turns. “I need to get drunk.”

  “Don’t go there again. You’ve moved on from that.”

  For a moment, he studies me, hands deep in his pockets. “You know why I need to get drunk? Because wiping my mind is the only way I can forget.”

  “Forget what? Evan, just tell me what the hell is going on.” I take a deep breath. “This is about Faye? Is that where you really went this weekend?”

  If this is true, his action hurts. This means he’s lied to me. Lying. Drinking. Hiding. Heis going down the same route again. Every time we take a step forward, we fall back two.

  “I saw Lucy. Then I saw Faye. And my brother.” Evan’s voice cracks.

  “Brother?”

  “Yeah, apparently some kids are good enough for her.”

  His words squeeze my heart, and I understand where his rawness is from now. All I can do is walk over and wrap my arms around his chest, pull him close. Evan’s heart thumps against my ear, rapid to match his breathing. His arms remain at his sides.

  “Can we go to the pub now?”

  ***

  NESS

  Evan stares into his beer, gripping my hand. If I’d said no, he probably would’ve come anyway. On his own. I’m disappointed I need to be this Ness again. But also relieved he’s not hiding anymore. He trusts enough to come to me.

  “How long have you known?”

  “About the kids? When I first met her.”

  Kids? “There’s more than one?”

  His shoulders move as he makes a derisive noise. “Who knows how many she has.” Evan drains half his glass. “I went to see her. To tell her to keep away from Lucy. There was this guy there…”

  “The boy’s dad?”

  “Yeah. I think. He thought I was…you know…” He pulls a face. “I mean, he didn’t know who I really was and got aggressive.”

  “I hope you left.”

  “I don’t know what I should’ve done. There was a lot of shouting…”

  Suddenly, I realize what’s going on. “Her situation has nothing to do with you, Evan. You said so yourself.”

  “I guess.” His expression doesn’t match his assurance.

  “Was Lucy with you?”

  “No, I’d gone to tell her to back off Lucy.” He drinks again. “I don’t want this affecting her.”

  Evan echoes the thought I’ve held ever since he told me about his mum. This is huge for them both, and the kind of thing which could destabilize Lucy. And Evan knows this. Underlying everything is the relief he’s involving me; but what scares me is the level of involvement Evan’s having is the opposite of what he intended. Or what’s good for him.

  I shift closer to Evan and circle his hand with mine. “You’re such a good person, Evan. But don’t get involved in something that has nothing to do with you.”

  “What if he beats her up? Hurts the kid?”

  I don’t know what to say without sounding heartless, and chew on my lip. “Maybe you’ll make things worse for them
too. If you get involved.”

  He rubs his thumb along the back of my hand. “Maybe.”

  My stomach plummets into my shoes. He can’t add someone else to his list of people to worry about. He can’t drag himself further into this car crash. I wish I’d never pushed him into seeing her. Because I’ve unwittingly brought this woman into our life. And we have enough extra bodies in our relationship with Lucy.

  Chapter Nineteen

  NESS

  I wake to Evan shouting at someone on the phone. Or attempting not to shout…the terse voice he uses when he accidentally shouts and has to lower his tone. He’s louder than usual, because I’m in bed and I can hear him downstairs. I pull the bedding tighter around and bury my face into Evan’s pillow; I know who he’s talking to.

  Evan’s quiet footsteps on the stairs and attempt to sneak back into the room amuses me.

  “Lucy?” I ask.

  He halts as if he’s been caught stealing candy, then places his phone on the desk. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “I never heard her call.”

  “Phone was on silent. I half-expected this.”

  I pull back the sheets, inviting him to come back to bed, but he’s too distracted. Ever so gradually, Evan’s other life has re-intruded. Last night, as I lay in bed in Evan’s arms, I fought with my frustration. Evan may not realize this yet, but when I saw the trouble knit his eyebrows when he talked about Faye, I instantly pictured a second Lucy. I love Evan, but I can’t build a relationship with someone who is giving so much of himself to people who’ll give him nothing in return. Of course, his sister needs him sometimes, but he has to learn to put his own needs first. I know he needs me to understand, and I’m trying to let him closer, but I’m scared he’ll push me to one side.

  “Evan?”

  “Guess who’s on her way over?”

  I groan and lie down, pulling the sheets over my head. “Can I be with you when you speak to her?”

  “Why?”

  “I want to stay in the loop this time.”

  Evan rubs his face. “Okay. But she’s really pissed off…”

  ***

  Lucy arrives in a car which rivals Evan’s for dubious roadworthiness. When she slams the door, the beige hatchback shudders.

  “What the hell did you do?” Lucy is barely inside before she starts yelling. Thank God Abby’s at Jared’s.

  Evan is sitting on the sofa; I can spot his tired stress, but Lucy is in her own world where only her feelings matter.

  “I went to see Faye and asked her to back off,” he says in a simple tone.

  Lucy throws her bag on the floor. “Why would you do that?”

  “Because she’s bad news, Lucy. Can’t you see? You’ve been to her house, seen the state of her. We shouldn’t get involved.”

  I decide Lucy isn’t going to offer me any kind of greeting, so I slope off to the kitchen. To make tea. Happy families. An English cure-all.

  “But that’s why we should get involved! Those kids are our brother and sister!”

  “Half. And nothing to do with us.” The edge to Evan’s tone alerts me, and I watch cautiously from the doorway.

  “She called and told me to leave her alone. That she was wrong to get involved with us and we’re causing her trouble. This is all your fucking fault!”

  Tears gather in Lucy’s eyes. Now I know Evan is done for. I glance at him, but to my surprise, his expression hasn’t changed.

  “No. It’s all your fault. You looked for her when I asked you not to! Maybe she never wanted to be found!”

  “I could hear Brandon with her asking about me!” Lucy flops into the armchair, glaring at her brother. “You had no right to interfere; if you don’t want anything to do with her, fine. But don’t stop me!”

  Evan’s mask slips and he leans forward, winding his hands into his hair. “I’m involved as long as you are. And when the shit hits the fan, who’ll be called on to clean up the mess?”

  I’m too scared to say anything; this isn’t my battle. And Lucy is ferocious. I’ve never seen them argue and wonder if this is a first – Evan standing up to her. The times I’ve seen them together, Evan has desperately placated her. Not this time.

  “No! You don’t have to ever be involved! You live here in Leeds, with her. You can keep away from us if you want.”

  Evan gives a short, bitter laugh. “Don’t you think the fact Faye gave up so easily suggests she’s not really bothered about you? That, and the fifteen year absence from your life?”

  “She does care!” Lucy shoots back. “She’s only saying this because of you.”

  In the following silence, I return with the mugs and set them on the table. Lucy looks at hers as if I’ve given her a cup of poison, then to me, as if she’s noticing I’m here for the first time since she arrived.

  “What do you think, Ness?” she demands, shaking brown curls from her face.

  “I don’t want to get involved; this is between you two,” I reply, keeping my tone soft.

  “Did you tell him to do this?” she demands.

  “What? Why? Evan does what he wants.Idon’t try and control his life.”

  Fuck. Lucy’s face darkens, and she’s taken my words as an underlying dig at their relationship. I didn’t intend to, but this underscores everything, and I can’t hold back any longer.

  “And I do?” she asks coldly.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Well, since he met you, he’s said similar things to me. Like he thinks I’m controlling his life.”

  Evan tempers his tone, giving me a confused glance. “Not because of Ness, Lucy. Because I’m trying to live my own life. You know things have been hard for everyone over the last few years. But you’re getting better; things are under control. We need to move apart. Not just to other towns.”

  Whoa. How did a meeting about his mum turn into this?

  “I’m perfectly fucking aware I need to learn to deal with my disorder without you. I have psychs telling me as much. I get that. And I am; I’m owning this and moving on. I’ve been stable since summer, and I’m staying on the meds. I get it now, okay? But it doesn’t mean you have to push me out of your life! You don’t want me anymore.”

  “What the fuck? I come and see you every month, see how you’re going. It’s not like I’ve moved to the other side of the world.”

  “You don’t have time for me! You’ve changed and it’s because of her!”

  “What?” I say, and glance at Evan, but his face is the mask he uses to cover his hurt.

  This girl is seriously screwed up. Lucy may be bipolar, but there’s something more happening here. Evan doesn’t need to look after this Lucy, but he still is; he’s meeting the need he created, and allowing this unhealthy relationship. Of course, she’ll need his help sometimes, but Lucy seems to expect him to fix everything for her. But how do I get him to admit this to himself?

  “I’ve changed because of me. Because I need to. I’m trying to move on, Lucy, and so should you!”

  I watch Lucy warily, remembering the night she attacked Evan outside the pub. But that Lucy was unmedicated. This Lucy is medicated, but still a mess and it won’t get fixed with pills. I don’t think Evan is the right person to help.

  “You know what? Fuck you, Evan. I’m seeing her still. And my brother and sister. I’m pretty sure Mum only told me to back off because you did.” She stands.

  Evan’s jumps to his feet too. “Don’t be fucking stupid!”

  “Tell her about the other guy,” I say quietly.

  “No!”

  I recoil at his vehemence. “Okay…”

  “What guy?” Lucy demands. Evan presses his lips together, and I pick at the edge of the sofa. “What guy?”

  “Some guy. Faye’s boyfriend.”

  “What about him?”

  “He’s probably not the sort of person you want in your life,” says Evan.

  “Well, that’s another reason!” Lucy grabs her bag. “If there’s some
guy in her life who’s bad news, she definitely needs me.”

  Now I understand the reason I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

  The Lucy-tornado leaves.

  Evan picks his mug up and cups his hands around it, knuckles whitening. “Why did you say that, Ness?”

  “I didn’t think. I thought she’d stay away if she knew she might get threatened.”

  “Well done; you made things worse.”

  He slams the mug on the table, and tea sloshes onto the wooden veneer. Grabbing his coat, he leaves the house. Several minutes later, Lucy’s car starts, and the noise fades as she drives away. I don’t need to check if he’s out there. I know the answer.

  Evan left and went with his sister.

  My mind replays last year, remembering the Evan with his life choked from him by Lucy. My stupidity in thinking I could stop this, give him a safe place to uncover the real Evan hits me. How ironic Evan walks around thinking he’s the one not good enough, when he’s got me second in line after his sister. Every time Evan runs to Lucy when he doesn’t need to, he runs a little further away from me.

  Chapter Twenty

  EVAN

  “What the hell are you doing?” I yell at Lucy, as she stands by the car.

  Lucy walks up to me, pulls herself as close to my height as she can, and stares into my eyes. “I’m going to see her. Now. Tell her you were wrong.”

  “Faye? Don’t be stupid! She told you to keep away!”

  Lucy pulls her curls from her face and winds them into a ponytail, pushing the band she has on her wrist around the hair. “No,youtold her totell me to keep away.”

  I slam my hands on the side of the car. “Please, Lucy. Let this go. We know who she is, and she’s bad news. Let’s leave it.”

  Lucy runs her tongue along her teeth and continues to study me. Without a word, she opens the driver door and climbs in.

  I pull open the other door and lean in. “Don’t go now!”

  “Why not?” She pulls on her seatbelt.

  “Trust me; turning up without telling her is not a good idea.”

  “You can’t stop me from seeing her!”